BUT IS IT LIT? // Review of “Rowhome in Non-Stabby part of Lancaster”
BUT IS IT LIT? is the Triangle’s way of reviewing non-standard texts. We find—or one of our friends, neighbors, or literary comrades finds—something interesting that can be read as literature. Someone reviews it, sends it, we post it, and the age-old conversation continues: what is lit? Today’s review comes from our friend and craigslist connoisseur, Michelle.
Source text: (see bottom of post)
How the hell I ended up reading and reviewing this ad, I’ll never truly know. I probably meant to click on something else, or my space-pad thing was jammed (I spilled a little sugar in there once). Either way, my first reaction was TL;DR (too-long-didn’t-read). But then, I started reading and couldn’t stop. I’m still processing which part made me want to move in less:
1) the gross dog yard with no grass left
2) the toilet-sink combo (this combo once yielded your humble reviewer a black eye—true story)
3) or the lack of Oxford comma in the “I fixed all the things” rant
Never mind that the writer skips immediately from “Non-Stabby” in the title to “relatively stabby-free” in the first sentence (gramma-lert: stabby-free is not a thing). How stabby are we talking here?
Upon googling “n marshall st stabbing lancaster, pa,” I’m here to tell you: not too stabby.
Side note, I think the guy here likes dobermans. It did take me until half way through the ad to realize what Casa Dobermino meant. I thought it sounded like a weird last name. Also: Dobermonsters. Who simultaneously capitalizes and badly-nicknames their dog’s breed? Spoiler alert: two of the dogs are dead and he talks about it at the end. Ugh.
The amenities on this property are highly lacking.
Proximity to crappy bars: check.
Proximity to annoying sirens at the hospital: check.
TV wall mount you have to dismantle yourself: check.
W/D hookup: just another way to tell me I’ll still be hoofing it to FestivaLaundry.
Oh, there’s a bonus! The downstairs toilet-I-mean-laundry-sink is already broken in!
Another bonus: I’m actually impressed by the lack of spelling errors, unless you count the elitist “theatre”. Maybe this guy should be invited to The Triangle’s Adult Spelling Bee.
The rooms—the ones that aren’t a hot fucking mess—look OK in the photos. It looks almost exactly like my friends’ house on Third Street, except theirs isn’t jammed between two other houses like it’s in the middle seat of the Scrambler at the carnival. “Row home” at least implies some kind of tiny alley doesn’t it? Speaking of tiny, as a tiny room dweller myself (9’x6′), I took offense when reading “2 are normal bedrooms and the 3rd one is tiny”. IS MY TINY ROOM ABNORMAL, GUY? AM I ABNORMAL?
With its sore lack of commas throughout, and the can’t-put-my-finger-on-it, odd feeling I’m left with, I conclude that this ad is lit-lite. The regular ads on craigslist are so boring and the horrible apartments are always so hyped up, that this was definitely a nice laugh—I wish more ads were as interesting, honestly. Maybe I’ll start checking in on the apartment section more often, since I’ll already be there to collect the gold from craigslist Missed Connections.
(update 11/18: The post was removed from CL, so here’s the full text…)
$105999 / 3br – 1100ft² – Rowhome in Non-Stabby part of Lancaster (739 N Marshall St)
Do you want a low-maintenance home in a relatively stabby-free neighborhood? Do you want to live within walking distance of 5 bars? In the event of a cardiac emergency wouldn’t it be nice to be only 3 blocks away from Lancaster General Hospital? Well, I have the home for you.
Casa Dobermino is on the market. Built in the 1940s by skilled artisans and stone masons, this property at 739 N Marshall St. could be the work of angels. Probably Hell’s Angels, but no matter. I bought this house in 2004 because I wanted to adopt a dog from the Humane League and my roommates at the time didn’t want a dog. So naturally I walked out of my apartment and bought the house for sale by owner directly across the street.
In the short 10 years that I’ve owned this property I had to replace the roof (2012), Central Air (2012), Gas Furnace (2006), Gas Stove (2013), Hot Water Heater (2010 & 2013 fml) and Dishwasher (2006). Last month I had the interior and exterior painted and the floors refinished. Basically you’ve got a house that someone has already taken a beating on so you can move in and live worry free.
There are 3 bedrooms, of which 2 are normal bedrooms and the 3rd one is tiny. That one would be good for a nursery, office, dark room, massage parlor, really tiny home theatre, or panic room. In the Master bedroom I left a wall mount for your flat-screen TV so you too can enjoy the pleasure of playing Grand Theft Auto from bed.
There is only one bathroom but in a pinch there is a nice laundry sink in the basement. Speaking of basement, half of it is finished so you have somewhere to hide when your spouse is an asshole.
There is one off-street parking spot out back so even if all of the neighbors have guests hogging the street spots, you can still easily pull into your spot laughing at the neighbors without such amenities. There is a tiny fenced-in yard out back that over the years helped confine 4 different Dobermonsters.
Are you lazy like I am? Well don’t worry, there is no grass in back and the front yard you can mow in less than 5 minutes. Or you can hire Stephen, he’s a neighborhood kid (I think he’s 20) that stutters and rides a BMX bike, he charged $10 to mow the lawn or shovel snow.
If you are hungry or wanna get a load on you can walk to Turkey Hill, Stubby’s, Lancaster Brewing, Quips, Cork and Cap, Bakers Table, Rumplebrewskins, ABAG or the Friendly Greek. If you have a medical emergency you can take a quick jog to the ER – Good Times!
But wait, there’s more! My last 3 ex girlfriends all have keys to the place and they rarely do pop-ins. The bathroom sink is located directly in front of the toilet so ina Flu-Emergency you can expel in both directions. The neighbors will pretty much leave you alone as I set the bar pretty high as being the “crazy fat guy with a gun and dobermans”, so if you move in discretely they might think I’m still there and stay out of your business.
**** UPDATED PICS . One pic is of my old big red couch with two of my former dogs. The couch and dogs are all buried now but I miss them so they made it into the photos. There are no pics of the back yard or basement yet because as the photographer said “It is a hot mess”. So I painted the basement mostly today and sooner or later I’ll get around to pulling the dead Morning Glories off my fence.